Not a Word

You know what's scary? When you don't know.
Sometimes that's just little things like not knowing what to wear on a first date or not knowing the correct answer on an exam. And what if something bigger is bothering you. You don't know if a storm will hit tomorrow, don't know if someone attacks you when you come back home late, don't know if you have enough money to pay the bills...
I'm not bothered by all of that. That other question sits deeper inside of me, sounds quieter.
What if I'm not able to write ever again? Never. Not a word.
I'll be locked in this black box with no chance of getting out, no chance of my voice being heard. If you think about it, thats all I am.
I am my thoughts.
I am my words.
I am my actions.
I can't put my thoughts into words, which means I can't give myself a command to act.
Apparently, its more important than I thoughts, more complicated than I expected.
Tomorrow will bring a day. I don't care if its Monday or Thursday, January or October. I'll sit down at my desk and I'll make myself write a sentence. Then another one. And it doesn't matter if they turn out to be shitty. It's more important to make a start. This is how I want to spend days. Writing. But first I need to kick my own ass, because no-one else can do it but me. 

It's Not The Crisis

I guess I've figured it out. You know how many people blame the Exsistential Crisis for all their stress and confusion? Now I know it's not it to blame. Surely I have those moments when I'm torn in between the I Don't Know What I Want and the All I Want Is Everything states, when I'm trying to figure out what I'm good at, what I want to do next. Does it stress me out? Just a bit. 

But when I think of what am I supposed to do, what my family would say if I do this or that, what society thinks of me, how successful I am really... That kind of thoughts overwhelm me to the point when it's hard to breathe. 

I've made an unpopular decision. I stopped my academic education. It's unpopular because in my family no one stops after Bachelor Degree. I've faced tons of criticism. My parents even decided to enroll for Major without my awareness. But I stopped for a reason. I finally have time to do everything on my to do/read/watch lists, all of a sudden I found a job that I like, I'm inspired to write and film videos once again. I don't feel that pressure any more(except that find a boyfriend and get married part). You know what? That feels great. I can finally look around and decide which way to go. All by myself. I don't know anything that feels better than this. 

What Holds Me Back

I just love those little runaways I can have. But normally I don't. This time things got so tensed I just grabbed my bags and ran.
What have I been doing all this time? I can't even tell... Reading, swimming, meditating and NO TALKING! Oh that was so good! I just finally got time for myself with no bad influence. And you know what ruins it all? Tomorrow. It's time to leave tomorrow. And I don't want to.
Remember Buddha? "Meditation brings wisdom, lack of meditation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back." I guess I know now. I know what holds me back.

On A Rainy Autumn Day

On a rainy autumn day I normally need nothing but a cup of tea, nice book and some piano instrumentals. Not this time. I don't know why, but I decided that I need more friends so I took bunch of envelopes and started writing letters to different people, people, who I've never talked to before. When the letters were finished, I started to put them into envelopes and writing addresses on them. I suddenly felt sick.
I don't know why... oh, wait, I know! My address was wrong. This is not where I meant to be. My name was wrong too. It matches me no more. I know soon enough I will be able to write another address and name, I just need to wait for like five years. Five years. Five fucking years. That's too long!!!
I want another name on the envelope. I damn need it! My old name contains all my past, all the bad memories of me being kid and teen. I'm way over it now. My name is Christina. It is for like three years now. I just need it on the envelope. But I can't put it there. Irony? Perhaps, but I still feel sick.

Random Dream

You know you need a break when you're no longer able to see wonderful and colorful dreams, when scenes from your daily routine flash up in your dreams. I need a break. I needed a huge break. 

All I remember from my today's dream is that I had an argument with some guy I've never seen before. He was telling me what to do and I told him he knew nothing about my life. He called me stupid little kid, I know I'm no longer one. 

It lasted a while until He interfered.

He made the other guy go away. Then He just set down and let me hug Him. I know I told Him everything, but I can't remember a thing I said. He just listened. Then He said one thing. It still makes me feel warm and calm. The funny thing is that I don't remember what He said. I don't even remember His voice. But I thank Him for that appearance. 

And hey, if you are really that sweet in real life, please, move next door to me.

Hey, This Is Me Again Writing Another Positive Post

I wish I could express in words how good I feel alone! Even though everyone who promised to write/call/visit etc. me totally forgot to. No, I'm not offensive, not angry, I don't care. It's always like that. I never care. At least I want everyone to think that way.
Yeah, keep thinking that way! Keep thinking, that if I say I'm interested it is that way or if I post a picture of an actor and description says:"I want him naked in my bed" that's exactly what I think. That is different. But you won't see it. I just want to meet that guy, to work with him, to talk to him just like that. I just need such people in my real life. Oh, wait, I have them! They come to me every night in my dreams, literally. I need sunny, positive people who I could talk to about everything, including some intellectual topics, people, who could tell me a really interesting story, not a stupid and "funny" one, people, who would teach me something good and useful! Educated, smart, sunny, who can become serious when it's necessary, sincere!!!
I don't trust people enough. The ones I wanna talk to are always too far away. We send each other letters and e-mails. I'm kinda used to this already. Sure, I have friends, I have two really close friends but I'm starting to feel like they are better without me. It's difficult to be with me. I'm too different. It's cool that they still around but it feels fake. And this feeling doesn't let go. One more reason not to trust people.

I'm Not Sure If I Should

My exams session begins today. I've been studying whole night long and all I've remembered is the name of the subject. The exam is today at 2.30 PM. So I probably have some time to remember something. But I can't. My brain doesn't work that way.
I feel that I'm doing something wrong. I feel that it's not the right place for me to be in.
What I want now is totally different from what I have now. I don't want to study those subjects I study now. I'd rather visit an art school, do music and drama classes. What I do now seems too boring and grey. Couple of weeks before I was afraid that I could have lost my grant or could have been kicked out. Now I even want it so I can finally do what I always wanted.
I know it's a challange. I know I can make it. I'm not sure if I should.

Just The Way It Goes

I don't think much about my past. But there are some moments and some people I always try to leave behind. And when I've almost done it, something happens. I've written about it before. But this time... this time it's something out of ordinary.
I remember all my dreams. They are always sophisticated and a bit bizarre. They always have some message hidden, I've learned how to make it clear to me. I'm the only one who understands that. If I tell that someone, people call me mad. I am mad. I am insane. I trust what I see in my sleep more than I trust what I see when I wake up. My dreams never let me down.
It all began on Sunday night. I was sleeping and that's what I saw.
I was taking a walk in my city. Beautiful autumn landscapes, no cars, no people, no noise just the wind. Then I see a girl sitting on a bench, she was apparently crying. So I sit beside her, asking what went wrong. She shows me her face all red, tears in her eyes. I know her face, I know who she is. Haven't seen her a while, it's been almost two years since we talked to each other. And now she sits on that bench crying. She starts telling me her story, I just listen. Then I wake up. I didn't remember what she had told me, there was just a silent picture in my head.
It began on Sunday night and continues now. I see her every night. She comes crying, I listen. Then I come to tell her my story and then suddenly I am hitting her, trying to cripple her and she does nothing. I yell at her sometimes like:"What's wrong? Why am I supposed to sit here and tell you everything like this? Where the hell are you? Why are you so far away?". Another night she cries:" What happened to you? Where is your insolence now? Why don't you just come to my place and make me talk to you again? Why did you stop trying?". Then I wake up again.
It goes like it every night. In the morning I turn on my computer and check her account in the social network. I am blocked. I know she visits my account too. But she is blocked too.
And this is the way it goes every day...

Review Mirror

It's funny when you think that everything's ok and things are getting better. But then something just goes wrong, really wrong. Well, it's my life, what the hell can go right here?!
I've overcome my biggest loss. I was ok with the things how they were. It was so hard for me to get there. My last Friday has ruined everything. The whole day was all about my loss... Hate it! It was all about our relationship and this damned 17th of October. Whole weekend was about this day too. Why? I was trying so hard and one appearance in the review mirror ruined everything!
Or maybe that's the way it was meant to be? Don't want to think it was. But I just keep thinking of it.

I Wanna Run

I'm shaking now. What am I afraid of? No idea. I'm just nervous. Extremely nervous. I'm afraid of tomorrow. As I used to say before, I have no desire to face it. Still want to stop.
People, pray to have a better future. I wish you happiness. I wish you love. I wish myself peace. I wish you would forget about me for a while. I wanna run to the middle of nowhere.

It All Ends

People always want to know what's next. We always want to know what's waiting for us. But we never think that sometimes it's way better not to know it. Every story has an end. No story is endless but some are eternal.

I wish that story was endless, I would like to watch magic spread and go on. Anyway, I will hold it forever in my heart. It will go on and on in my head. Nothing can stop it. Never ever!

Thank you for my childhood, for my own story. Love you. You are forever in my heart.

What I Mean When I Talk About Murakami

That's my very favorite writer. Most people I know normally laugh when I say it. Adults think that I'm too small, kids think that I'm too odd.But there's the thing they don't understand. Haruki Murakami has magic. He's master of the word and what he writes... It makes me feel like those thoughts are mine. They were always in my head, they just had been sleeping. He makes me feel like I'm a part of his stories, like I am a story. Thanks to him I've read Franz Kafka, I listen to jazz, I drink Perrier. And that's just because his characters do that. It makes me feel myself a part of his wonderful world.
One day I will be brave enough to write my own story. I will collect my friends' stories. I'll write it all down. And then I believe I'll become at least a bit like him.

Being Around

Just wanted to tell you're bitch. You're talented at self-destruction only. I'm better. I AM(!) so much better!! Don't care about you no more. At least trying to.
Hey, and if you're will ever read this... It sucks to be you but you know what sucks more? Being around.

What I'll Never Tell You

I've never lied to you.
I want you near! I don't hate you. I love you. I do. Can't live without you. Well, I tried, but that kind of life truly sucks. I can't imagine anyone who could ever replace you. You are the only best friend I ever had.
You were right at everything you said about me: I'm a fool, freak, jerk. Just the biggest cynic bitch ever! But with the heart and soul.
I'm not ready for the changes in my life. Still a kid. Still a fool.
I won't stop trying to talk to you as we used to. I won't stop trying not being afraid of your reaction. That's true, I'm afraid. That's why I can't say this to your face. But the main point is...I don't want to be enemies. I need at least the illusion of normal relationship. And I'm sorry!!!! I've done such a huge amount of things wrong way!I wish I could change it. But we both know I can't, but I'll never stop trying.
Oh that's not all...I just can't go on. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I can't change the past, I'll try to change the future. Only if I have you permission to.
My life is very different now. Not the best I could have. Please tell me that it can be changed. In a good way.
Don't want to be enemies even if we can't be friends ever again.
As usual, my speech isn't perfect, I'm not eloquent, you know. But what I wrote...that was from the bottom of my heart. Don't mean to hurt you.

xoxo Me

Don't Wanna Go Any Further

Don't wanna go any further. I want to stop. Right here, right now. Don't wanna feel any more. Don't wanna live. No more. No, I'm not depressed, I'm fine. I just never thought I'd live till today. No, I'm not pessimist, it's just... I want to stop..! SOMEBODY STOP ME!!! I don't want tomorrow, I don't want yesterday, I want today and just today! Nothing more, nothing less.
And even if God won't help me at this, I want you to know: I've stopped today, the 29th of May year 2011. I'll watch you from here. Good luck.

It'll Be Fine In The End

Now it hurts me even more... I know, I know, it's stupid, no regrets, they don't work... But reality is different! It doesn't hurt when you see the face which used to be good and true to you but now it's a total mask. So sad... And you start regretting it that it doesn't hurt. But the trick is just to keep on going!.. Everything will be fine in the end but you have to have enough power to survive till the end comes.

Hate When It Comes So...

I hate when it comes so! One day we are friends, next day we are not! Then you suddenly appear in my graduation photo when I don't want it telling me we're cool, but you keep spreading the dirt behind my back. And how you call it?
Please, make up your mind!
Cause I can't decide if I hate you or not...

Get Over It!

If you think you've made a mistake recognize it and get over it!
If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you just forget that he/she exists and get over it.
If you had a fight with a friend apologize or walk your way and get over it.
If people say you're too ordinary stop thinking about your behavior and get over it.
If you think you've got no talent try something new and get over it.
If you have enough time to do everything you should and everything you want and then come to me and tell how awful your life is, come and look what is my life like, shut up and get over it!!

Via Internet Only

I can express how angry I am only via Internet... Otherwise I may loose friends, school, family. They don't even know what's here, inside of me, but as long as I'm in the Internet I can tell you... It's anger, anger and hatred. I'm fed up with your "How are you" questions. I'm sick, I have a terrible headache, my heart is torn as I see that you were having fun as I was in the hospital, you didn't care when my family was falling apart... You so don't care...
I can be careless too but as long as I am Human, I won't.

Apology

You know, it's funny when your apology makes situation worse. Not because you chose the wrong words to say, just because that person doesn't know how to react. And now I don't know what to expect from tomorrow. I thought I was independent from that person but I didn't realize how dependent I am...