On A Rainy Autumn Day

On a rainy autumn day I normally need nothing but a cup of tea, nice book and some piano instrumentals. Not this time. I don't know why, but I decided that I need more friends so I took bunch of envelopes and started writing letters to different people, people, who I've never talked to before. When the letters were finished, I started to put them into envelopes and writing addresses on them. I suddenly felt sick.
I don't know why... oh, wait, I know! My address was wrong. This is not where I meant to be. My name was wrong too. It matches me no more. I know soon enough I will be able to write another address and name, I just need to wait for like five years. Five years. Five fucking years. That's too long!!!
I want another name on the envelope. I damn need it! My old name contains all my past, all the bad memories of me being kid and teen. I'm way over it now. My name is Christina. It is for like three years now. I just need it on the envelope. But I can't put it there. Irony? Perhaps, but I still feel sick.

Random Dream

You know you need a break when you're no longer able to see wonderful and colorful dreams, when scenes from your daily routine flash up in your dreams. I need a break. I needed a huge break. 

All I remember from my today's dream is that I had an argument with some guy I've never seen before. He was telling me what to do and I told him he knew nothing about my life. He called me stupid little kid, I know I'm no longer one. 

It lasted a while until He interfered.

He made the other guy go away. Then He just set down and let me hug Him. I know I told Him everything, but I can't remember a thing I said. He just listened. Then He said one thing. It still makes me feel warm and calm. The funny thing is that I don't remember what He said. I don't even remember His voice. But I thank Him for that appearance. 

And hey, if you are really that sweet in real life, please, move next door to me.

Hey, This Is Me Again Writing Another Positive Post

I wish I could express in words how good I feel alone! Even though everyone who promised to write/call/visit etc. me totally forgot to. No, I'm not offensive, not angry, I don't care. It's always like that. I never care. At least I want everyone to think that way.
Yeah, keep thinking that way! Keep thinking, that if I say I'm interested it is that way or if I post a picture of an actor and description says:"I want him naked in my bed" that's exactly what I think. That is different. But you won't see it. I just want to meet that guy, to work with him, to talk to him just like that. I just need such people in my real life. Oh, wait, I have them! They come to me every night in my dreams, literally. I need sunny, positive people who I could talk to about everything, including some intellectual topics, people, who could tell me a really interesting story, not a stupid and "funny" one, people, who would teach me something good and useful! Educated, smart, sunny, who can become serious when it's necessary, sincere!!!
I don't trust people enough. The ones I wanna talk to are always too far away. We send each other letters and e-mails. I'm kinda used to this already. Sure, I have friends, I have two really close friends but I'm starting to feel like they are better without me. It's difficult to be with me. I'm too different. It's cool that they still around but it feels fake. And this feeling doesn't let go. One more reason not to trust people.

I'm Not Sure If I Should

My exams session begins today. I've been studying whole night long and all I've remembered is the name of the subject. The exam is today at 2.30 PM. So I probably have some time to remember something. But I can't. My brain doesn't work that way.
I feel that I'm doing something wrong. I feel that it's not the right place for me to be in.
What I want now is totally different from what I have now. I don't want to study those subjects I study now. I'd rather visit an art school, do music and drama classes. What I do now seems too boring and grey. Couple of weeks before I was afraid that I could have lost my grant or could have been kicked out. Now I even want it so I can finally do what I always wanted.
I know it's a challange. I know I can make it. I'm not sure if I should.