Hey, This Is Me Again Writing Another Positive Post

I wish I could express in words how good I feel alone! Even though everyone who promised to write/call/visit etc. me totally forgot to. No, I'm not offensive, not angry, I don't care. It's always like that. I never care. At least I want everyone to think that way.
Yeah, keep thinking that way! Keep thinking, that if I say I'm interested it is that way or if I post a picture of an actor and description says:"I want him naked in my bed" that's exactly what I think. That is different. But you won't see it. I just want to meet that guy, to work with him, to talk to him just like that. I just need such people in my real life. Oh, wait, I have them! They come to me every night in my dreams, literally. I need sunny, positive people who I could talk to about everything, including some intellectual topics, people, who could tell me a really interesting story, not a stupid and "funny" one, people, who would teach me something good and useful! Educated, smart, sunny, who can become serious when it's necessary, sincere!!!
I don't trust people enough. The ones I wanna talk to are always too far away. We send each other letters and e-mails. I'm kinda used to this already. Sure, I have friends, I have two really close friends but I'm starting to feel like they are better without me. It's difficult to be with me. I'm too different. It's cool that they still around but it feels fake. And this feeling doesn't let go. One more reason not to trust people.

I'm Not Sure If I Should

My exams session begins today. I've been studying whole night long and all I've remembered is the name of the subject. The exam is today at 2.30 PM. So I probably have some time to remember something. But I can't. My brain doesn't work that way.
I feel that I'm doing something wrong. I feel that it's not the right place for me to be in.
What I want now is totally different from what I have now. I don't want to study those subjects I study now. I'd rather visit an art school, do music and drama classes. What I do now seems too boring and grey. Couple of weeks before I was afraid that I could have lost my grant or could have been kicked out. Now I even want it so I can finally do what I always wanted.
I know it's a challange. I know I can make it. I'm not sure if I should.

Just The Way It Goes

I don't think much about my past. But there are some moments and some people I always try to leave behind. And when I've almost done it, something happens. I've written about it before. But this time... this time it's something out of ordinary.
I remember all my dreams. They are always sophisticated and a bit bizarre. They always have some message hidden, I've learned how to make it clear to me. I'm the only one who understands that. If I tell that someone, people call me mad. I am mad. I am insane. I trust what I see in my sleep more than I trust what I see when I wake up. My dreams never let me down.
It all began on Sunday night. I was sleeping and that's what I saw.
I was taking a walk in my city. Beautiful autumn landscapes, no cars, no people, no noise just the wind. Then I see a girl sitting on a bench, she was apparently crying. So I sit beside her, asking what went wrong. She shows me her face all red, tears in her eyes. I know her face, I know who she is. Haven't seen her a while, it's been almost two years since we talked to each other. And now she sits on that bench crying. She starts telling me her story, I just listen. Then I wake up. I didn't remember what she had told me, there was just a silent picture in my head.
It began on Sunday night and continues now. I see her every night. She comes crying, I listen. Then I come to tell her my story and then suddenly I am hitting her, trying to cripple her and she does nothing. I yell at her sometimes like:"What's wrong? Why am I supposed to sit here and tell you everything like this? Where the hell are you? Why are you so far away?". Another night she cries:" What happened to you? Where is your insolence now? Why don't you just come to my place and make me talk to you again? Why did you stop trying?". Then I wake up again.
It goes like it every night. In the morning I turn on my computer and check her account in the social network. I am blocked. I know she visits my account too. But she is blocked too.
And this is the way it goes every day...

Review Mirror

It's funny when you think that everything's ok and things are getting better. But then something just goes wrong, really wrong. Well, it's my life, what the hell can go right here?!
I've overcome my biggest loss. I was ok with the things how they were. It was so hard for me to get there. My last Friday has ruined everything. The whole day was all about my loss... Hate it! It was all about our relationship and this damned 17th of October. Whole weekend was about this day too. Why? I was trying so hard and one appearance in the review mirror ruined everything!
Or maybe that's the way it was meant to be? Don't want to think it was. But I just keep thinking of it.

I Wanna Run

I'm shaking now. What am I afraid of? No idea. I'm just nervous. Extremely nervous. I'm afraid of tomorrow. As I used to say before, I have no desire to face it. Still want to stop.
People, pray to have a better future. I wish you happiness. I wish you love. I wish myself peace. I wish you would forget about me for a while. I wanna run to the middle of nowhere.

It All Ends

People always want to know what's next. We always want to know what's waiting for us. But we never think that sometimes it's way better not to know it. Every story has an end. No story is endless but some are eternal.

I wish that story was endless, I would like to watch magic spread and go on. Anyway, I will hold it forever in my heart. It will go on and on in my head. Nothing can stop it. Never ever!

Thank you for my childhood, for my own story. Love you. You are forever in my heart.

What I Mean When I Talk About Murakami

That's my very favorite writer. Most people I know normally laugh when I say it. Adults think that I'm too small, kids think that I'm too odd.But there's the thing they don't understand. Haruki Murakami has magic. He's master of the word and what he writes... It makes me feel like those thoughts are mine. They were always in my head, they just had been sleeping. He makes me feel like I'm a part of his stories, like I am a story. Thanks to him I've read Franz Kafka, I listen to jazz, I drink Perrier. And that's just because his characters do that. It makes me feel myself a part of his wonderful world.
One day I will be brave enough to write my own story. I will collect my friends' stories. I'll write it all down. And then I believe I'll become at least a bit like him.

Being Around

Just wanted to tell you're bitch. You're talented at self-destruction only. I'm better. I AM(!) so much better!! Don't care about you no more. At least trying to.
Hey, and if you're will ever read this... It sucks to be you but you know what sucks more? Being around.

What I'll Never Tell You

I've never lied to you.
I want you near! I don't hate you. I love you. I do. Can't live without you. Well, I tried, but that kind of life truly sucks. I can't imagine anyone who could ever replace you. You are the only best friend I ever had.
You were right at everything you said about me: I'm a fool, freak, jerk. Just the biggest cynic bitch ever! But with the heart and soul.
I'm not ready for the changes in my life. Still a kid. Still a fool.
I won't stop trying to talk to you as we used to. I won't stop trying not being afraid of your reaction. That's true, I'm afraid. That's why I can't say this to your face. But the main point is...I don't want to be enemies. I need at least the illusion of normal relationship. And I'm sorry!!!! I've done such a huge amount of things wrong way!I wish I could change it. But we both know I can't, but I'll never stop trying.
Oh that's not all...I just can't go on. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I can't change the past, I'll try to change the future. Only if I have you permission to.
My life is very different now. Not the best I could have. Please tell me that it can be changed. In a good way.
Don't want to be enemies even if we can't be friends ever again.
As usual, my speech isn't perfect, I'm not eloquent, you know. But what I wrote...that was from the bottom of my heart. Don't mean to hurt you.

xoxo Me

Don't Wanna Go Any Further

Don't wanna go any further. I want to stop. Right here, right now. Don't wanna feel any more. Don't wanna live. No more. No, I'm not depressed, I'm fine. I just never thought I'd live till today. No, I'm not pessimist, it's just... I want to stop..! SOMEBODY STOP ME!!! I don't want tomorrow, I don't want yesterday, I want today and just today! Nothing more, nothing less.
And even if God won't help me at this, I want you to know: I've stopped today, the 29th of May year 2011. I'll watch you from here. Good luck.